Good morning Cape Breton.
Maximus Handsomius here from my forever home.
So I heard a few people really enjoyed yesterday's post and the excerpt from facebook. Well in that theme, here is another post.
This was originally posted on 18th of May 2007
Hi guys,
Thursday, Tonya had asked me if I would make Chinese Food, from scratch, for her father and her sister. I said OK.
Friday, Tonya went to the hospital to visit with a friend (say "awww, that's so sweet), cause that really nice of her... Anyways, a good cook always samples what he is making. Also, a cook will sometimes cook with wine. Also, the cook must test the wine to see if the wine is still palatable.
By 11:00 am, I started sampling the wine. Yup, it was good enough to cook with.
By 1:30 pm, Tonya came back with her father and dropped him off. She went to get her sister and went to get her hair done. By 4:00 pm, when Tonya and her sister arrived, the Chinese Food was done and ready to eat. Both the father-in-law and myself had opened about 6 bottles of wine by then.
After supper, I decided to lay down and sleep off some of the more trouble some parts of drinking wine. Round about 6:30 or so, Tonya said that the neighbors were having a fire in their outdoor chiminea. Could we please have one? Certainly could. I needed her to goto Petro-Canada to get some of that wood they sell in the onion bag.
She came back to see me finally put our chiminea at the top of our driveway.
We put some wood inside the chiminea and stuffed some flyers around the wood. I was going to make some kindling, but why do that when you are pissed drunk? You could seriously hurt yourself with an axe. Safety first!
So I tried for 10 min with a dead BBQ starter to light the flyers. As you can imagine, no success. So it finally dawned on me to look at how much butane was in the BBQ starter. Empty. So I went in the house to find another, fuller one.
Success! Armed with the new BBQ starter, I advanced on the flyers. I swear, the folks in Cape Breton must know that people have tried to start fires with their flyers and have treated the flyers with a anti-flame making material. The flyers would glow on the edges, but no flame. Damnation! But, being quick thinking, I thought about the gasoline that I have in the garage. So off I went to get the jerry can.
Of course, Tonya told me to be careful. I brushed off her comments with disdain. Women, what do they know?
As I tipped the jerry can over the top of the chiminea, there must have been a glowing edge on one of the flyers...
WOOF! FLAMES! Hey, now that's a FIRE! Holy crap! Everything is on fire! My sneaker was on fire. My jerry can was on fire. Holly crap, the gasoline inside the jerry can was on fire. Our dog, who was on his nylon lead, shot away from the fire. Dogs aren't stupid ya know.
Again, refer back to the point where I state that I am quick thinking. I had presence of mind not to drop the jerry can as that would splash gasoline everywhere! But I knew that holding on to the jerry can any longer was going to be futile as well. So I started my turn, and the flames shot across my hand holding the jerry can. Hey, that's hot, said my mind, let it go. So my body, being the servant of the mind, did as it was told. I opened my hand and the jerry can, having it's own forward momentum started it's downward decent.
Bumb. Splash goes the gasoline. Oh yea, don't forget, the gasoline inside the jerry can was burning. So there is now burning gasoline flying out of the jerry can. It was spraying everywhere!
It splashed up over my car. Holy Crap! My car was on fire! My driveway was on fire. My dog's leash was sprayed with the flaming gasoline. He was freaked out! He was trying to run away, as any smart animal would. See the above paragraph where I state that dogs are smart. So he is trying to get away from his flaming lead. But this isn't working too good for him. He gets hooked around Tonya, and her wine went flying. Now she is trying to stomp on his lead to put it out. But you have to remember how tall Tonya is. She is not accomplishing much by trying to stomp on his lead which is at her waist height, oh yea, don't forget the fact that the leash is on fire too.
Now I am more concerned about my car, than about my dog. For some reason, my mind focused on the car. You know guys and their one tracked mind. So I got my car keys out and got into the car. Now, remember when I stated that Tonya went to the gas station to get some wood? Well, she was the last person to drive the car. So the seat was way forward. I tried to get it. Now, being in the moment, I managed to get into the car and actually got it started. But because the seat is so far forward, and I am so petite (NOT!), my belly was honking the car horn. Excessively. Ad-nauseum. HOOONNNK. I was so upset that my neighbors would look out their windows to see what the hell was going on with me honking my horn on the car, that they would obviously see the fire. I was trying to get the car in reverse. But you have to press on the brake to get the car out of park. But with the seat so far forward, I was having a lot of difficulty doing that. The horn was honking and I was getting very excited to say the least. Finally I was able to press the brake and take the car out of park. The car wouldn't move. I couldn't take my foot off the brake to get the car to move backwards. I twisted my foot around and the car started to move away from the flaming driveway. I was actually pushing the car backwards with my left foot too, I was just that excited.
I got the car stopped, and shut off the engine and slammed the door. The gas that was sprayed up on to the car went out on it's own. Hooray!
Again, I didn't really notice Tonya trying to stomp on our dog's lead. She was excited about something, but the gas that was pouring out of the jerry can was lighting more and more of my grass on fire.
I looked over at the driveway and that fire went out on it's own. Thank God for small miracles.
But now the jerry can was melting. This allowed a big glut of gasoline to pour out. FLAMES! 15, 17, 19, cripes, flames 25 FOOT LONG are shooting across my lawn! Cripes, everyone in the neighborhood is going to know that something is going wrong in my yard.
Remember when I said that I was intelligent? Well I knew well enough not to try and stomp that particular fire out. I also knew not to go and get some water to put on that fire, as I would then have a floating gas fire.
I knew to go into the house, and find my CO2 extinguisher.
Armed with that CO2 extinguisher, I felt invigorated. I attacked the fire. I put the fire out. I was the master over fire.
As I looked over at the chiminea, it was no longer burning either.
Without flames.
Devout and devoid of the intended purpose I had set out to do in the first place.
Crap.
I went and got some more flyers.
Try as I might to start the fire without gasoline, I was at a lost to provide the entertainment that Tonya had wanted. A simple fire was out of my reach.
We decided to pack it in and go watch some TV.
Round about 10:00 pm, I peeked outside and guess what. There was a fire burning brightly in the chiminea.
Just my luck...
Friday, Tonya went to the hospital to visit with a friend (say "awww, that's so sweet), cause that really nice of her... Anyways, a good cook always samples what he is making. Also, a cook will sometimes cook with wine. Also, the cook must test the wine to see if the wine is still palatable.
By 11:00 am, I started sampling the wine. Yup, it was good enough to cook with.
By 1:30 pm, Tonya came back with her father and dropped him off. She went to get her sister and went to get her hair done. By 4:00 pm, when Tonya and her sister arrived, the Chinese Food was done and ready to eat. Both the father-in-law and myself had opened about 6 bottles of wine by then.
After supper, I decided to lay down and sleep off some of the more trouble some parts of drinking wine. Round about 6:30 or so, Tonya said that the neighbors were having a fire in their outdoor chiminea. Could we please have one? Certainly could. I needed her to goto Petro-Canada to get some of that wood they sell in the onion bag.
She came back to see me finally put our chiminea at the top of our driveway.
We put some wood inside the chiminea and stuffed some flyers around the wood. I was going to make some kindling, but why do that when you are pissed drunk? You could seriously hurt yourself with an axe. Safety first!
So I tried for 10 min with a dead BBQ starter to light the flyers. As you can imagine, no success. So it finally dawned on me to look at how much butane was in the BBQ starter. Empty. So I went in the house to find another, fuller one.
Success! Armed with the new BBQ starter, I advanced on the flyers. I swear, the folks in Cape Breton must know that people have tried to start fires with their flyers and have treated the flyers with a anti-flame making material. The flyers would glow on the edges, but no flame. Damnation! But, being quick thinking, I thought about the gasoline that I have in the garage. So off I went to get the jerry can.
Of course, Tonya told me to be careful. I brushed off her comments with disdain. Women, what do they know?
As I tipped the jerry can over the top of the chiminea, there must have been a glowing edge on one of the flyers...
WOOF! FLAMES! Hey, now that's a FIRE! Holy crap! Everything is on fire! My sneaker was on fire. My jerry can was on fire. Holly crap, the gasoline inside the jerry can was on fire. Our dog, who was on his nylon lead, shot away from the fire. Dogs aren't stupid ya know.
Again, refer back to the point where I state that I am quick thinking. I had presence of mind not to drop the jerry can as that would splash gasoline everywhere! But I knew that holding on to the jerry can any longer was going to be futile as well. So I started my turn, and the flames shot across my hand holding the jerry can. Hey, that's hot, said my mind, let it go. So my body, being the servant of the mind, did as it was told. I opened my hand and the jerry can, having it's own forward momentum started it's downward decent.
Bumb. Splash goes the gasoline. Oh yea, don't forget, the gasoline inside the jerry can was burning. So there is now burning gasoline flying out of the jerry can. It was spraying everywhere!
It splashed up over my car. Holy Crap! My car was on fire! My driveway was on fire. My dog's leash was sprayed with the flaming gasoline. He was freaked out! He was trying to run away, as any smart animal would. See the above paragraph where I state that dogs are smart. So he is trying to get away from his flaming lead. But this isn't working too good for him. He gets hooked around Tonya, and her wine went flying. Now she is trying to stomp on his lead to put it out. But you have to remember how tall Tonya is. She is not accomplishing much by trying to stomp on his lead which is at her waist height, oh yea, don't forget the fact that the leash is on fire too.
Now I am more concerned about my car, than about my dog. For some reason, my mind focused on the car. You know guys and their one tracked mind. So I got my car keys out and got into the car. Now, remember when I stated that Tonya went to the gas station to get some wood? Well, she was the last person to drive the car. So the seat was way forward. I tried to get it. Now, being in the moment, I managed to get into the car and actually got it started. But because the seat is so far forward, and I am so petite (NOT!), my belly was honking the car horn. Excessively. Ad-nauseum. HOOONNNK. I was so upset that my neighbors would look out their windows to see what the hell was going on with me honking my horn on the car, that they would obviously see the fire. I was trying to get the car in reverse. But you have to press on the brake to get the car out of park. But with the seat so far forward, I was having a lot of difficulty doing that. The horn was honking and I was getting very excited to say the least. Finally I was able to press the brake and take the car out of park. The car wouldn't move. I couldn't take my foot off the brake to get the car to move backwards. I twisted my foot around and the car started to move away from the flaming driveway. I was actually pushing the car backwards with my left foot too, I was just that excited.
I got the car stopped, and shut off the engine and slammed the door. The gas that was sprayed up on to the car went out on it's own. Hooray!
Again, I didn't really notice Tonya trying to stomp on our dog's lead. She was excited about something, but the gas that was pouring out of the jerry can was lighting more and more of my grass on fire.
I looked over at the driveway and that fire went out on it's own. Thank God for small miracles.
But now the jerry can was melting. This allowed a big glut of gasoline to pour out. FLAMES! 15, 17, 19, cripes, flames 25 FOOT LONG are shooting across my lawn! Cripes, everyone in the neighborhood is going to know that something is going wrong in my yard.
Remember when I said that I was intelligent? Well I knew well enough not to try and stomp that particular fire out. I also knew not to go and get some water to put on that fire, as I would then have a floating gas fire.
I knew to go into the house, and find my CO2 extinguisher.
Armed with that CO2 extinguisher, I felt invigorated. I attacked the fire. I put the fire out. I was the master over fire.
As I looked over at the chiminea, it was no longer burning either.
Without flames.
Devout and devoid of the intended purpose I had set out to do in the first place.
Crap.
I went and got some more flyers.
Try as I might to start the fire without gasoline, I was at a lost to provide the entertainment that Tonya had wanted. A simple fire was out of my reach.
We decided to pack it in and go watch some TV.
Round about 10:00 pm, I peeked outside and guess what. There was a fire burning brightly in the chiminea.
Just my luck...
Here endeth the lesson. That's for reading.
Your Blast From the Past
Your Daily Video
Max our Bernese Mountain Dog playing in the pool on a Sunday afternoon
Bye bye fur now
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